Me, Myself and Minpin

Why??

Mon, 09 Feb 2004 18:45:50 GMT

I have the live journal to communicate my feelings to friends and family that I dont get to talk to everyday. However now I am being told what I can and can not write it in by Houghton people. I give up I can't make anyone happy anymore. I dont know what to do to make it stop. I am just going to write bare minimums now I guess in this so that my friends from home can read it and know how I am and so my friends here dont yell at me for writing things about them. Maybe I should stop writing all together because I am doing this for attention. But I dont know.

And the winner is..........

Mon, 09 Feb 2004 04:05:35 GMT

Well tonight was the grammys. I love the grammys, I enjoy hearing who is hot and who is not. Well I attempted to watch them and all week have been talking about watching them but I didnt. I started to watch them with my Friends and I just felt like they didnt want me there. I just felt very pushed away by them. I don't know what is going on. I say it so much but I give up. I think it is easier to say I give up than actually doing it. I wish I could I wish I were strong enough but I'm not. I am human and I just can't do things like that. I dont know what is wrong with my friends and I. I dont know why I am feeling so distant from them and stuff. But I know one thing. I want to go home. I want to be home. I want to be with Katy, Kris, and Ryan. I know I shouldn't be with him but he makes me happy. He makes me feel wanted. He is the king of saying BS. He tells me everything I want to hear and I enjoy it. I enjoy hearing those things. I need to hear those things right now. I call him up sometimes when I am hear so I can hear him say he wants me to come home so he can hold me. It makes me smile. I like knowing that I am wanted and I no longer get that feeling anywhere else. I like knowing that I am beautiful enough to have a man swoon over me. I miss that. I have to figure out my life so badly. I need to figure out my real feelings for Ryan and for friends. I need to re-evaluate everything and just make sure what I am living for is a worthy cause. I no longer know.

Holy Wow

Sun, 08 Feb 2004 18:06:00 GMT

I have always known that my knee was weak but yesterday was just incredible. I sat down to lunch and out my knee went. I was embarassed to have that many people around me that I don't know trying to help me. I apreciate the help but I was greatly uncomfortable. But the amazing portion of it was when the girls who ignored me the day before came to help me. It was a very nobel thing for them to do. And again I wasn't very accepting of it. Danielle went with me to the hospital. At first I didn't want her there I was upset with her I didn't want her help. But after a while of trying to do everything on my own I figured out I need the help. And now I am happy that she was there. I dont konw what to do though. I was extremly hurt by them and I dont know if this little act of kindness helped me to fogive them or not. I just dont know anymore. I am fine with Danielle it is just hard to forget the past. Ok now on to my second amazing mis-hap of yesterday. I decided that the guy that I like here at Houghton (Mr.X) was a mistake. I dont like him. I just liked the idea of having someone other than Ryan to always fall back on. But the mysterious guy from the internet is turning out to be a prince charming. I dont know if he is mine or not but it is flattering either way. He told me yesterday that he looks forward to times that we get talk online and he hopes that someday we can meet. It just made me happy and gave me a smile to horrible day yesterday. Well I dont know what to do. That problem is so much more confusing and difficult than it seems. But oh well for now. I will just have fun in my fantasy world.

I MISS HOME!!

Sat, 07 Feb 2004 05:16:49 GMT

I miss home and I miss my friends. I have been away from home for almost 2 months now and people there still love me. I am greatful for everyone from back home. Here is a message sent to me by Jake.
~Before I went to bed tonight
I just had to let you know,
that my love for you is strong
and will always continue to grow.Before I went to bed tonight
I thought that you should hear
That every moment we spent together,
I hold so very dear.
Before I went to bed tonight
I had you on my mind.
I thought of things you've done for me,
Things from a heart so kind.
I hope this letter makes you happy,
If only for a while
But I'd gladly write a million
Just to see you smile!I know this sounds crazy,
Just like I lost my head.
But I had to let you know,
Before I went to bed.You never know what might happen tomorrow. You never know if tomorrow will even come. ~
Its so true. You dont know if tomorrow will come. So why not live life for all its worth. I am going to. Cape Diem. I am stopping this. I am no longer going to cry over the little things again. I am not going to worry about the people up here anymore and how I can make them happy. I will make them happy by just stopping everything.

What the ____ is up?!?!

Sat, 07 Feb 2004 05:09:13 GMT

People are starting to drive me insane. Does anyone ever stop thinking about themselves? For 6 hours tonight, I was stuck alone yet again. However today I was stuck all by myself whileI was surrounded by 7 other people. I have to say you never know how lonely you can be untill you are surrounded by people and feel like you are all alone. I miss home. I miss feeling like I am wanted and I am loved. I am begining to feel lost here. Like I know no one and no one is willing to help me. Well I am tired of trying so hard. I am trying to be everyone's friend. I have decided that people who are true friends dont yell at you for expressing yourself or ignore you. I give up and am just going to count down the days till I can be at home once again. I am just going to forget everything.

GRRRR.........

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 18:48:06 GMT

I dont know what is going on with my emotions. Is it ok to start to have feelings grow for someone you dont know? I am starting to develope a crush on someone I have never met. I talk to him online about once a day and I have noticed that I am begining to look forward to when we talk more and more each time. I am begining to get excited before we talk and afterwards I feel alittle lost and let down. I feel like he isnt there and I have to wait till next time to talk. There are so many things that I dont understand anymore. I don't understand myself. If you can figure me out will you please fill me in. Thanks!

Missing you....

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 04:37:32 GMT

Today I was online and Ryan started talking to me. When I told him I had to run he kept telling me that I no longer need him. That I have moved on and am over him. Ryan for your info I am not over you I am just not showing it. I am over coming my feelings for you, or at least trying to. So because of things he was saying I called him on my way back to Houghton. The one good thing about being alone today I got to talk to him and no one yelled at me for it. But anywho. It was so good just to talk to him and know that it was good. That we are good. We still aren't dating but right now I think it is better that way. I think it is better that we are close friends than being distant boyfriend/girlfriend. I think once we become best friends again and can't live with out the other one again than maybe we should date. But it was so nice to talk to him, to hear his voice. When he said hello my spine tightened and it seemed as if everything that I was scared of went away. He is my safety. He gives me a feeling that no matter what may happen he is there to protect me. I believe this is from our past, he has always been my strength. Today when I needed him he was here but he wasn't. He was here to talk to me and feel like I was safe, but he was at home 200 miles away from me, but I haven't felt this close to him in a long time. I felt like if I turned around he would be there ready to take me up in his arms and kiss my head. I dont know though. I know I still have feelings for him but I dont want to love him right now I dont want to be hurt again today, or tomorrow. I want to live I want to see what its like to be with someone other than Ryan. I can't wait to go home, I can't wait to see how I feel when I see him or touch him or when he touches me. I just want to see if the feelings are real or just imaginary. I dont remember what it was like when I was home this last time. I know that we were happy and we had fun together but was it true, was it honest. Was it supposed to be that way. I dont know. I will find out. I can't wait to go home again. I can't wait to be around the people that love me and who I love.

All of me.

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 04:13:49 GMT

I was left alone for 6 hours today. All by myself, alone, allowed to think. I have been contemplating life and what makes it important. Does making promises and keeping them make your friendships stronger? Does falling in love and losing it make you stronger? Does losing love guarantee a new love? When left alone should you care? Should you care that you are dispensable and replacable? Should you allow yourself to figure out ways to not be dispensable? Should you give up before you lose the battle? I dont know if I am being childish, selfish, or reasonable when I say this but I am pissed! I dont like doing things alone and I dont like being lied to. It is great when you make friends and you believe they are your best friends, but once you need them what do they do? Aren't they supposed to help you. Well I guess we are wrong. They are supposed to turn their backs on you and walk away. When you fall down that hill don't expect a helping hand back up. When you have to face something new don't expect someone else to go with you. They don't. I guess they don't go that extra mile to help out someone in need. When you say you will do something, are you supposed to turn around and back out an hour before hand? I was always taught stand by your word unless there is something else wrong that you need to fix instead. I guess Adam is more important than me. I don't know. I dont know anything anymore I guess. I dont care anymore. I am slowly learning how to make it on my own, maybe this means I am not supposed to have friends. Maybe I should just give up and become a hobbit, a troll. I dont know. I give up with worrying about it anymore. I dont have to look back in a while. I can move forward and not have to remember tonight or Hornell or anything else from tonight. However I have learned that I am not going to help them out either and I am not going to ask them again.

Oh My!!!!!!

Wed, 04 Feb 2004 14:39:35 GMT

I think I am going through with drawl. I think I am missing Ryan or something. I am starting to like another guy. It is strange when I start to like a guy other than Ryan. Things that Ryan and I have been talking about doing when I come home I have been imagining with this other guy. I have been imagining us curling up on a couch watching movies, hugging, cuddlying. This is all very strange to me. I am not going to say the other guys name because it is a shock to me that I have been thinking about him like this. I didn't think I would, we are friends and I thought we were close friends. I dont know if I should pursue feelings that may be fake or ignore feelings that could be real. Oh my why do you have to go through stupid things like this. I don't understand. At night I dream about Ryan but during the day I dream about the other guy so I dont even know who gets the most attention in my subconcious. I wish I did but I dont. I think sometimes that since I am not with Ryan I can pursue other guys but than I think about other guys and realize that it may not be fair to them if I do pursue them and than never fully become their girlfriend because a part of me still wants to be with Ryan. I am trying so hard to over come that and get off the wanting of Ryan, but it is really hard. It is easier to tell your brain to stop loving someone than it is to tell your heart they no longer exist. I can't make out the difference of what I feel for Ryan. At times I hate him others I love him, Right now I am comfortable. Does this mean I hate him but still like him, Does it mean that I am happy with him as long as we are 200 miles apart, Does it mean that as long as we are "friends" I am ok? I have no clue anymore. I wish that life came with instructions so we knew what to feel and to whom we feel this for. For Mr.X from above I feel sad for liking him and putting our friendship in danger but I haven't even concluded wether or not he feels for me or just for himself (most guys feel for themselves.). I dont even know if my feelings are sincere or not. I just started these feelings recently after a few nights spent in his company. I just dont understand anymore. I dont comprehend it. Oh dear!!

INFO!!

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 04:30:30 GMT

1. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? My red pajama pants with Grumpy on the butt!!!
>2. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Jesus Freak DC TALK
>3. WHAT ARE THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER? 7678, 1806, 7532
>4. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Chocolate
>5. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Hot Orange
>6. WEATHER RIGHT NOW? It is nice out a whole 29 degrees
>7. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My mother
>8. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS? YES
>9. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Happy
>10. FAVORITE DRINK? Diet Pepsi
>11. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Cosmopotlitan or a bacardi
>13. HAIR COLOR? Blond
>14. EYE COLOR? Brown
>15. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? nope
>16. SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGES? WOW really?!?! 3 brothers 37, 33, 29. 3 sisters 37, 25, and 14
>17. FAVORITE FOOD? Waffles
>18. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? You've got mail
>19. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Labor Day
>20. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Sometimes
>21. SUMMER OR WINTER? Neither, spring
>22. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? Relationships
>23. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Vanilla
>24. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? Lambein
>28. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Reading whats that?!?!
>29. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I dont have one sorry
>30. WHAT BOARD GAME DO YOU LIKE? Life.
>31. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? Worked, slept
>32. WHAT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? Novemeber 28

Thank You God!!!

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 03:32:53 GMT

I am so happy. I got my period today. I am so happy to know I am fertile, I can have babies. Thank you Lord!!!!!!!!!!!! I havent had a period in so long that I didnt know what was going on and I am just happy that I know now. I want to call Ryan up and tell him but I dont know how he would take it or even if he would care. I am so happy though. I have been in the happiest moods ever I think. I want to go home so bad and talk to him. I want to curl up next to him on the couch and just lay there knowing how much I love him. You know what is strange. I love him with all my heart but I am happy with his friendship. I am happy knowing that no matter what I wont leave crying. I will leave happy, I will leave feeling like he loves me too. And it doesnt matter what we do what we say or anything as long as we leave still being friends and we leave happy. I dont care anymore what people think about him or about us being friends. I dont care!!! I just dont care!!! I love him so much and I no longer care what he does we arent together, but I am thinking this way now, If I would get mad at him for doing it than I shouldnt do it and vice versa! I am so happy that I can make babies now. It is really weird how the last entry I was complaining about not being able to stop thinking about having them with Ryan and now I know I can make them Yeah. No one will ever understand how happy I am about this. I want to celebrate so bad and I want to do all this stuff. I can't wait to come home and go to COURT ST!!!! HAHAHAHA I have big plans for my week home.......

What accent?

Sun, 01 Feb 2004 03:43:47 GMT

Today I started the day out thinking it would be a great day. I went to an IMAX movies with people who I thought were my close friends, and an old friend from home James. Quickly the day did a 180. We watched the movie and I cried at the end. Now everyone from home knows I cry a lot at movies. Now these people I went with picked on me a lot for being a pansy and crying. I'm sorry but I am an emotional person and I do show it. I like to cry and I enjoy it very much, but this is only where the downhill slide began. We got to Danielle's house and everyone just let lose and kept picking on me. Do they not understand that they are running me down? They are tearring me apart and just making me feel really bad. I don't know if they want to be my friends or if the just want me around so they can laugh at me whenever they please at my expense. I am tired of paying for everyone's amusement. I just want to go home and be around my friends that let me be me, that love me even if I do something blond. The thing that sent me over the edge was when one of the people said to me was "Why do you pretend an accent?" For your information I have an accent when I get mad or I get talking to much. When I get passionate about something I just keep talking and I get super crazy with my dialect. Now that was the end of that I can't stand it. I am stepping back and just not going to go out of my way to be around them to hear how ignorant I am anymore! Ok now James. When he told me he was coming over I never fully believed that he was going to actually show up. When he did show up I was shocked and happy. I huged him and thanked him for coming however I wanted him to leave soon there after. I really didnt want him here or around right now. I just felt overwhelmed by his presence here. I felt like by him being here I had an obligation to give him a chance at a relationship. I don't want a relationship. Not with him not with any guy right now. I love Ryan with all my heart and no matter how hard I tell my heart to stop loving him I can't. I don't want to. I dreamt the other night that we were going to have babies and thats all I can think about lately. Ryan and children. Really strange equation for someone of 19 but still thats all that is on my mind. I have an appointment on Thursday to fix my mind. Ryan and I can't have children and if I continue to be as careless as I was over Christmas break I will end up in a lot of trouble, I am going to be safer. I was thinking about this however. I was thinking about how my life has changed since Ryan and I 'got' together over break. I was thinking about when he apologized to me and how he was saying he was sorry and that there were still feelings there for me and I cried. The only reason I believed him when he said that was because he hugged me and kissed me and told me not to cry and he promised he wouldn't hurt me again. I miss him. I wish he were here with me. I wish he could hold me and tell me it would be better. That everything will be ok. But anyways back to break. I tried to go wild and crazy and stuff over break. I went out with Shane and I liked Shane a lot. He was so fine. We kissed, we did other things, and than we fell asleep. I remember when we fell asleep he had his arms wrapt around me and he kept telling me he wanted me there with him and for a second I wanted to be there with him to. When I woke up the next morning all I wanted to do was call Ryan. I was in bed with another boy and I wasn't supposed to be there. Ryan and I are NOT together, we are NOT dating, however I knew I was somewhere wrong with someone wrong. I called and apologized and ever since than I have been overly careful. I know that I did hurt him and he maybe deserved it because he had done it to me before but that feeling of being wrong with someone wrong I couldnt handle it. I just dont want to have that feeling again. I want to make Ryan happy as a friend and maybe someday we will be more. But any how I am going to go lay down for my 5 hour day ahead of me. NIGHT

Where you belong

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 14:44:20 GMT

There are times that I like to just sit back and look at the world going on around me. I know that I am a part of the world but I want to see how other people percieve the world, or how the percieve me. More often than not I feel like I people are trying to push me out of their world. I don't understand fully why. I just want to be one of "them", right? Isn't that what we all want? I used to believe that, but now that I can see a larger percpective I dont know what I want. I know I want to have a family and I want to be in love with my husband. I want to teach and show the world that there is more out there than what we are told but how? I no longer know what I want in a boyfriend let alone a spouse, someone I have to spend the rest of my life with. I feel so curropt and inmoral for loving Ryan with all my heart. I am so scared to let go of him and try to date someone else. I feel guilty because I do love him and I dont know why. I want to be friends with everyone but I feel like they are judging me and no matter how hard I try they will never fully accept me. I just want to step back and take my life out of places I have recently added it. I want to take myself out of Houghton and place it back in Greene. I want to be able to curl up next to one of my friends from back home and just cry about how much I love Ryan and here them tell me I can do better. They know him and they know me and they know us and its just more believeable hearing it from them. But no matter what I do I would never give up Danielle or Damaris from Houghton. They can never replace my Greene girls but they are quickly approaching the closeness we all share. I feel comfortable with them but not enough to let them not all of me. I am scared to let anyone know all of me. I am scared to even let Ryan know all. I dont know what I am supposed to do anymore or who I am supposed to be around. It seems here at Houghton people put up with me because they have to. I miss home where people loved me and wanted me around. I just want to fit in again, I want to be back in my puzzle. I just want back in to who I am and where I am meant to be, Where I belong.

What the ??????

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 19:23:55 GMT

Today is a new day. I am finally getting over my cold and I am feeling better. However a weird coinky dink, I still want to sleep. I have classes still to go to and all but I felt like taken a break and doing laundry. Isnt that awesome?!?! I know I am a loser. I am sitting here thinking that I am happy with being friends with Ryan. But I really have to ask am I happy with being just friends with him? Do I want more? If I could have more would I take it? Would that be the best choice? I dont know anymore. I know that I would do anything for another chance with him but I believe that it would be better if I didnt take that other chance. But something inside of me is telling me that I do love him and that I will always love him. I dont understand it anymore. I wish I had someone to talk to that understood how much I love him and what this feeling is inside of me. I dont understand it at all. I dont even know what he is feeling. I dont know if he has feelings for me. Everytime we talk he talks about us just being friends and how he loves me only as a friend. But than when we are alone he tells me he does love me as more and someday would like to be more. But what if that day comes and I am no longer waiting for him? That day is here for me and he isnt here yet, what do I do now? I dont know. One thing I do know though ~ Better is one day in your courts, Better is one day in your house, Better is one day in your courts than thousanda elsewhere!!~ I can't wait to be in eternal bliss! I want to be happy here on earth but I know that I will be happy in Heaven!!!!

Staring at me

Wed, 14 Jan 2004 23:36:59 GMT

I am tired I want to go to bed. But Damaris is in here helping me do my Live Journal so I am staying awake to hang out with my Damaris. My Damaris loves her Chris. I had a good talk today with Superman. We talked about staring at people. So that is the reason behind the title. By the way Superman is Damaris' Bio Buddy! I am glad to be back at Houghton. I wish that I didn't have homework but still...
Now it's time for bed I am going to dream about someone special...try and guess who!

P.S. Do you think my tractor's sexy?
P.P.S This entry was Co-written by: Damaris